Am I normal?

I am often criticized for tying to put labels on myself, but I take some comfort in classifications because then I don't need to feel alone and disconnected.  I consider myself introverted.  I might be shy, and I am probably slightly antisocial.  I have been told it is unhealthy for a person to isolate themselves.  Or, perhaps it is a sign that a person is unhealthy that they would desire to isolate themselves.  I would never pretend that I am well, but the fear that I have is that I am not normal.
  My friends are good people, and I do enjoy their company, but I sometimes feel too tired to spend time with them.  I will drag myself out, have a fun time, and then analyze the entire evening to see if I did or said anything more stupid or embarrassing than the last time I decided to try to have some fun.  "No one even remembers you said that!"  I try to remind myself.  But, whatever foolish thing I let slip or unbecoming behavior I had haunts me.  The memories are as clear as day.  They take up that place in my brain where most people must keep their confidence.  The other thing I like to remind myself of is that doing stupid shit is a part of living.  It is funny.  I try to laugh.  I am just embarrassed, and ashamed that I am trying out for the part of the unintentional jester.

  When I am out with a group, I try to be a part of the group, and if I were to just passively exist while others laughed and carried on, I would feel far less anxiety.  If I am talking to a stranger about things that are personal to me, I will often get nervous to the point of sweating.  I tend to change the subject or make a joke to keep things from going there.  This works well to keep the nerves in check as well as keeping my number of friends to a nice manageable number.  Unfortunately, I don’t actually have anyone to talk to who doesn’t make me nervous.  I probably fear their reaction, but I know what they will say.  It is always along the lines of, “oh, I’ve been there.”  or “You’ll get through this” or even, “I would feel so ____!”  No one ever says, “You are the biggest failure I’ve met!” or whatever it is I seem to be afraid of.   

  I know people who will ask everyone their opinion before making a decision to make sure they have supporters.  It is no different telling someone something about you.  You want to know there are other people who understand what you think or feel and have the potential to think or feel the same way.  I don’t do this.  I don’t even tell my therapist most of the things I should.  I’m not very good at therapy.  I am trying to work on dealing with my feelings.  I am trying to work on having a more positive response to stress/anxiety/anger/sadness.  I am trying to feel normal.  Right now, I feel ashamed of what I do and how I feel, and because I will not talk about it, I suffer alone.  I will sometimes think that I am fighting things alone, and that makes me proud of myself for being so independent and strong!  Unfortunately, I will lose control, and then I just fall apart all alone.  But, for the most part, people see that I just pick myself up and go on about my day.  It is only messy for me, and I think I like it that way.  I guess I could label myself as a “private person”.