So Fat . . .

I can feel the weight on me.  I wasn't able to exercise much this weekend, and I can feel the fat staying on my body, hanging over my jeans, and making my pants too tight around my thighs.  I made myself throw up this weekend because I had no way to workout and ate too much food.  I am trying to get back to the beginning, figure out where this came from.  I have been developing this eating disorder for years, and I know I am not nearly as bad as I could be, but I am bad enough to want to get out before I do any permanent damage.  I am too fat.  I am out of control.  I can't understand why I binge.  I can't understand why it takes hold of me the way it does.  I feel like I am in a blind eating frenzy, hoping to cure some emptiness inside me that has nothing to do with hunger.  What is it?  Where does it come from?  If I just rewind time, would I be able to stop it before it ever got this far?

My latest issue has been feelings of failure.  I have a list of things I expect myself to accomplish, and I do not allow myself mercy when I fail.  I hate myself for being lazy or stupid or a poor planner.  And, as much as I try to talk myself out of these negative thoughts, I am not very convincing, and the battered down fat girl inside of me, treats herself to the pantry for a binge.  I had a big disappointment with not getting to do my 100/10 brick this weekend because I was sick.  Apparently, the hard-ass inside me thinks that is just my fat-girl inside me being lazy and wanting to sit on the couch all day.  The hard-ass took it out on her pretty bad, and ultimately, we all lost because fat-girl had me binging on you name it, and hard-ass put a finger down my throat.  Well, here I am, battling within myself again.  I always think I can see the end in sight, just to wind up in this place again.  I need to make peace within myself, accept both these sides of me and understand how they can each be beneficial to the balance of my well-being.  I do not take care of myself, and have tried so hard to keep in line every detail of my life, and now, I have constant fear of failure, anxiety, and depression.  All this was my own doing because I wanted to control the uncontrollable. 

I hesitate to set goals for myself because of the risk that failure may lead me into another downward spiral, but here are the thoughts I would like to try to maintain:

I will rise above this
It is a feeling, it is honest, accept it
You are tired, that is how it will be for a while
Food cannot cure your heart, stop.  What's wrong?
This is for you. 
Stand up straight
Just breathe, this is only a moment in time.

A Poem

How did I get here? 
I feel disgusting.
I can't stand the guilt
get rid of it
having no control
I hate myself

What the hell am I doing?
These crushed dreams
carbs, crunchy carbs
my body hates them
and make me fat
I have failed at everything

internalization of the negative
covered in a layer of guilt
cereal, cookies, poptarts, pretzels
punish me
the pain is never gone
my stomach hurts

I am fighting myself
so damn stupid about food
unhealthy hypocrite!
I dehydrate myself.
better if I were dead
I can't do anything right
Comfort me

Losing ground

A lot of things have come up this week that cause me to question friendship, loyalty, and trust.  A girl I never really liked much (because of her tiresome need to be liked) was hurt by something I shared about her.  For some reason she missed the humor in it, and wound herself around an axel taking a few deadly shots at what I would determine to be the wrong targets.  Her reaction spun me.  I can't remember the last time I thought I had extraneous friendships I could just put an end to because my feelings hurt.  Come to think of it, I can't actually remember a day when I didn't have my feelings hurt by something. 
  To be a loyal friend, do you stand by your friend at all times?  I used to think so.  I have had friends make stupid decisions, offend my other friends, or have emotional crises.  I wouldn't call anyone out on their problems, I would just be there in case they needed someone to talk to.  At some point, my friends discovered the way out of their predicament without my input.  If someone asked me what I thought of their choices, would I stand beside them and say they were doing the right thing, though?  Would I defend them if someone chose to point out their flaws?  I don't fight battles for myself, how would I even know how to fight someone else's battle?  I would stand by and do nothing.  If I did nothing, would I have betrayed my friend beyond reconciliation? 
  It doesn't really matter how I might have responded or what is reasonable.  The point is, I had a hand in ruining a friendship, and since I am prone to taking on guilt I have no way of dealing with, I have taken this to heart, and called myself a puppet of evil once again.  It made it hard to get out of bed this morning, but I am proud to say I faced the day and dealt with this by confirming yet again that I am still bulimic and don't actually know how to deal with feelings of guilt.  So, I guess the darkness inside of me is seeping out and damaging the world I inhabit.  To which I respond, "We must remove the tumor before the cancer spreads", and so begins the tumble into the pit of suicidal thoughts . . . well, shit.  That is a very worn path.  I missed an opportunity to turn at some point.  I got here too fast.   I wish I could just slow things down so I could make my positive arguments to keep me from getting here. Damn it!  I can't fucking do this.  I'm just getting worse, and I am exhausted from trying to keep track of everything I think and feel to make sure it isn't feeding the negative.
  I can't stop thinking about M.  I keep feeling like I am falling, and I just want to hit the bottom so I can start climbing back up, or just lay there in a heap of broken bones.  I wish I could understand all the things I feel.  I feel like an idiot for trusting my husband.  I want so badly to feel real pain.  I wish I could slice my wrist open and watch my life just drain right out of me.  But, I know I only think that way because I have paved a neural pathway in my brain to respond to trouble with these thoughts.  I had a dream that Steve was sleeping with her.  Not having sex, just lying in bed with her.  But, I walked in, saw the situation, and strangled her.  I woke up before anyone was actually killed.  I think my subconscious could only take that so far, but I truly understand now that I hate this woman.  I've never hated anyone before.  When I think about her, I feel chilled, hairs stand up on the back of my neck, and my jaw clenches.  I should forgive her.  I have forgiven Steve.  I don't trust him, and I am jealous of everyone and everything, but I have forgiven him.  Her, I don't have a good reason to forgive her.  She played me for a fool, slept under my roof, and tried to take my husband.  She then took my charity, and continued to try to take my husband.  Fuck that.  If that means a special place is reserved for me in the depths of hell, then at least I'll have the satisfaction of dragging her soul down as well because the only endless torture I could not endure would be to spend an eternity with this loathsome whore.
  I feel so much pain.  I can't talk to Steve because he can't understand why I am not over this yet.  Or, because he "knows he messed up" and doesn't need me to rub his nose in it.  I can't figure out what to do with this, and I feel guilty for wasting so much food on binges.  I am angry, sad, lonely, tired, betrayed, and stupid.  I hate myself so much for letting this happen.  I am hurt by the betrayal, and I have no guarantee this won't happen again tomorrow.  It keeps me on edge.  It keeps my stomach in knots.  I am trying to be sane, but I am fraying at the edges, and I fear I may not last much longer.  I need to find a better way than depression and bulimia to deal with all these feelings. 

A poem

::Escape::

I look again to see what time it is. 
Only a minute has passed, and I can feel the anxiety pulsing through me. 
I feel the present clawing my spirit. 
I am counting the seconds of my life, and each one feels longer than the last. 
I cannot be here.  When will this be done? 
I am almost to the end when I can lay down and sleep again. 
My heart pounds, and I am choking.
A fresh pain turns violent, bringing me to the ground.
Is this what it feels like to be defeated?
Nothing concrete to fight, and I am fleeing for my life.

My shoulder angel

  Everyone encounters moments where they can feel the conflict within themselves to do the right thing or the wrong thing.  In some cases, I find myself arguing the point of either side, making sure that either choice seems like it is morally okay.  There is more grey in this world than black and white, and we can color most things to fit with a desired outcome.  I like to imagine the best choice is provided by my white-robed, halo-having, terribly cliche shoulder angel.  If I can just figure out which one she is telling me to do, then I will be able to feel proud of my choice. 
  My shoulder angel is not just there for external choices though, and this is where I have recently discovered that I have been dismissing my shoulder angel on a regular bases, and listening to the thoughts and disparaging comments of my shoulder demon.  There is a misidentification of sin, and a misunderstanding of God which I have based my spiritual life on, and it has lead me into a darkness which will require strength I do not currently possess to escape.
  I listen to the demon telling me, "No one cares. . . There isn't any point to this. . . You can't because you aren't smart enough. . . You are a failure. . . Look what you did to yourself. . . You don't deserve anything you have. . . That is a selfish thing to do. . . Don't say that, it is arrogant. . . Don't be proud. . . You shouldn't even try, you will just disappoint yourself. . . Another mistake, why am I not surprised?. . . You can't get ANYTHING done. . .You neglect everyone, why would they love you?. . . I wish you were dead. . . Why haven't you killed yourself yet?. . . You should be embarrassed, no one else is as stupid as you are. . . You forgot because you can't stay organized, how do you expect to ever be a good mother? . . ."  And they just keep streaming in, poisonous, but they disguise themselves as humility at first, and I have gotten so used to believing them, I don't even let the shoulder angel speak anymore.  I just hush her with a quick, "That's arrogant. . . I should be meek. . . We are all sinners, what does it matter if Idid it right this time".  And then she goes.   She doesn't have any fight left after all these years of me rejecting every thought she has.  And I brush her aside in the name of the God she serves, how unkind!
  My soul lives in the darkness, so how can I expect anything I do in the name of God to reach my soul and give me any sense of the light.  As important as loving my enemy, the often neglected, obvious need of every human soul is the love of self.  Of course there is the fear that this will turn into selfishness or pride, but perhaps selfishness and pride are actually effects of self-hatred?  We may externally compensate for our internal lack of confidence and become the thing we hoped to avoid.  With this hope, I begin my journey to heal my soul, and dismiss the negative thoughts of my shoulder demon, and embrace the nurturing of the God I have been unintentionally dismissing.

Trying to be great at everything inevitably ends in failure

  Everyone wants to be great, and I know that.  Some people get as far as thinking it would be nice, others are the best in their respective career, and others are better than average in their hobbies.  I know there are quite a few moms and dads who are #1 according to their coffee mug.  Striving to be the best is at the heart of being ambitious or competitive, and it is essential to the progress of humanity.  For those of us who will not be the best, there is still a desire to still be good or at least not the worst.  I am never going to be the best chemical engineer or the best triathlete in the world.  I can accept that, I think.  But, can I come to accept that there are things I will simply fail at?  It takes a brave woman to look at her life and truly understand where she is weakest.  I am afraid to really open my eyes and look at the areas of my life where I will never succeed.
  I want to be a good wife, a good engineer, a good daughter, a good athlete, a good housekeeper, a good cook, a good friend, and a good citizen.  Of course, I actually want to be better at all these things than I am, and that desire has lead me to become over-controlling, and afraid of failure.  What will happen if I am not a good cook?  What will happen if I don't make enough time for a friend?  What if I can't reach my race goal?  What if I make a mistake at work? Do I need to get anxious because I cannot do everything perfectly? Does it all fall apart?  It doesn't seem to.  The world doesn't stop spinning.  Perhaps someone "yells" at me.  Perhaps I feel disappointed in myself.  It leaves me in no worse shape than when I started.  If I strive to be perfect at everything, I should be prepared to fail.  I know that trying to do well is important, but it is the effort and not the end result that matters.  As long as I don't give up, I will continue to grow and become stronger, smarter, and nicer.  Unfortunately, I understand this only logically.  My guilt and self-hatered for being imperfect continues to run rampant in the emotional part of me. 
  I am giving myself a daily pep talk these days.  I try to tell myself that it is ok to make mistakes.  I avoid saying things like "who cares?" because, as it turns out, I care very deeply about these things, and it makes me feel even worse to think no one else notices.  Truthfully, I might be the only person who notices my efforts, and I will need to be okay with that one day too.  For now, I will just remind myself that to be imperfect is to be human, and I will probably do better on the next go around. 

Fighting to be Positive

  This week at therapy, I learned that I can avoid my negative spiral of self-hating, angry, negative thoughts by taking the time to focus on positive feelings.  Of course, this is against human nature.  We are programmed to learn from the negative and focus on it so as not to repeat a certain course of action.  But, this has lead me into a darkness I cannot benefit from.  So, I have been tasked with finding something positive to focus on every day.  It is easier when I am doing something outside.  I can look at plants and think how pretty they are.  I even bought myself a plant for my cubicle to keep a bit of green in the sea of grey.  I tried to let the negative feelings exist without leading into a downward spiral of self-hating thoughts, and so far I am ok, but it feels very unnatural to tell myself that it is okay to make mistakes or to forget things.  I did many embarrassing and silly things this week, and while it was important to acknowledge that the mistakes made me frustrated or angry, I tried to avoid telling myself I was stupid or useless because of it.  I just said, "I must be tired" instead.  I think that was probably truer than the "useless" or "stupid" comments anyway. 
  Another focus I am supposed to have is making sure I am tending to my wants and needs.  A lot of my energy is spent exercising, working, cleaning, cooking, and making sure my obligations are being met.  I feel guilty about doing anything that could be perceived as "selfish".  But, not taking care of myself will only cause me to fall apart.  I went to the hair salon, and spent 2 hours having someone else take care of me.  I generally don't care for hair salons because there are awkward conversations and lectures about how I don't take care of my hair.  But I let them go this time, and I let myself enjoy the process.  I was very happy with the cut and color.  It made me feel pretty for the first time in a long time.  I don't have to think about how my roots are showing, and how many of them are grey.  Also, a little layering goes a long way in making my hair less flat and boring.
  One of the other things that seemed to work well was when I encountered an obstacle that kept me from completing my prioritized task, I would focus on accomplishing another rather than dwelling on the failure of the first.  That helped keep me from feeling like a failure, so I would face my next challenge with a positive attitude (which makes anything feel easier).

Striving for Perfection.

  As a good human being, I have always wanted to find ways to be better.  As I have grown older and life has become more complicated, I don't even know what better is.  I know that looking back over the years, I am definately not better.  My constant focus on making sure everyone around me is okay and that I am not overburdening my friendships has left me tired.  I have always tried to be better since the first day I learned that I am a sinner, and God wants me to do better.  I know what I have become is the result of human efforts to acheive what only God can, but the habits are hard to break, and the way I think of myself is almost impossible to fight.  Yes, I can pray about it, but what then?  I have serious anxiety about failing in even the smallest way, and it triggers some of the most embarrassing coping mechanisms. 
  Today, I started my spiral because I WANTED to eat a cupcake.  Yeah, I didn't eat one, but the fact that it was there made me mad, and I shouldn't be mad - perfect people don't get mad, and so on.  So, I ate some dark chocolate instead, but oh no, that was a slip as well.  No substitutions, bad food is bad food, and hate yourself for eating that garbage.  Then, the unhealthy desire to just hate myself and proceed with a full on binge starts to tickle my brain, and at the same time, I want to hit the restroom and vomit.  I am fighting it now, knowing that I should just forgive myself for eating chocolate and move on.  I hate myself for being a failure.  I have failed in such a minor thing, but my mind makes it so large and important.   I can't seem to use reason to argue with it. 
  I know that having an eating disorder is not so rare.  I know that there are a lot of emotional issues associated with it, and that I can find healthy ways to address these problems, but I am ashamed that this is even a problem.  I am a grown-up not some emotional teenager with hormonal issues.  But here I am, examining myself, hating myself, and hating that I hate myself.  The day started well.  I messed up and couldn't ride my bike to work because I lost my bike lock.  I adapted my plans, and decided I could just do my swimming instead.  Oh, happy day.  But, I didn't really let it go.  I am mad at myself for being disorganized and for losing my lock and ruining my plans.  I thought I did okay, but I am trapped in this way of thinking, and even when I think I get past it, I don't.  My brain feels cluttered with a mess of emotions that I don't understand and don't want to have.  I wish I could push it all back down, and ignore it, but I am pretty sure that's what got me in trouble in the first place. 

I hate myself today because:
-I see myself as disorganized
-I ate candy I shouldn't have
-I drank diet dr. pepper
-I didn't bike to work
-I look ugly
-I am emotionally unhealthy
-I have to sleep to much
-I don't sleep very well
-I didn't make food my husband liked

And there we are.  I don't know what that tells me.  Something like, I'm a crazy person, but that is just somehting I'm coming to understand about myself.  I suck at being happy.

Irritable, Angry, Sad. . .

  Some days you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  On those days, I tend to put on a happy face in public and grumble about irrelevent things when I am alone.  I found myself angry and yelling at people who were not there while I drove my car today.  It kind of made me feel like a crazy person.  I don't express my emotions often enough, and in some ways, I think being a little crazy at times might actually help me to overcome my mental health problems. 
  Today is another day in depression.  It seems like my life is just too exhausting for me to get through.  I want to be dead.  How many of these days am I going to make it through.  I know that suicide is not the answer to my problem.  I know that I need to think and act differently to change the way I respond to problems, but the process is slow, and I feel exhausted!  I can't help wondering how if my efforts are going to pay off.  What if I fail at therapy?  What if I am as happy as I can be?  Maybe I don't even have depression, and the world really is just as gloomy as I see it.  Oh, Aldous Huxley, you could have ended your book better you insensitive bastard!  There, see, strange misplaced anger is happening.  I wish I could read.  I wish I could leave work and spend an hour on the elliptical machine reading a book about characters who fall in love and fight zombies.  I barely have the attention span to get through a magazine article these days.  I know things make me sad, but I can't pin down why these past couple weeks have been so bad.  I feel desperate- I can feel it in my throat and my chest.  It feels like I can't quite catch my breath.  I am trapped, pacing in some imaginary cage, but I don't know who put me here.  In some ways, I have had more anxiety about my treatment than I actually have in my life, and I wonder if being in therapy is somehow triggering the depressive episodes more frequently.  That seems like a step in the wrong direction, but they say therapy is the way to go with these things.  But, I am the worst patient a therapist could ask for.  I want to get better, honestly.  I am just so afraid to talk about things, and that causes me to kind of shut down and be on my best behavior during my sessions. 

Is the depression serious enough?

  A depressive episode actually lasts more than a week or two, sometimes longer.  I don't think I have very many of these types of depressive episodes.  I am more along the lines of, hold it together, hold it together, hold it together, shit, I'm crying on the bathroom floor again.  I am sure this means that I am not seriously depressed.  I am capable of laughter.  I exercise, and I try to eat healthy foods (except when I fall apart, but that is for another blog).  I don't drink alcohol.  I try to get enough sleep.  Now, I am trying to cut back on caffeine.  And for all my efforts, I found myself unable to get out of bed today.  Typically, I am triggered by my inability to sleep.  This time, I was going to go for an early morning bike ride, and I woke up at 1:30 AM, and I could not fall back asleep.  I had to end my ride early because I was too sleepy to keep riding.  So, the thoughts went like this:  I am too sleepy to live my life.  I sleep too much to live my life.  Why do I even try to do anything if I can't finish it because I need to take a nap in the middle?  I was angry.  I was frustrated.  I was disappointed.  I don't know what I should do when I feel like this.  I know I currently react in a way that winds me up in bed unable to will myself up to feed the dogs.  I know this is an unhealthy behavior.  I wonder what other people do.  Maybe other people sleep better.  Maybe other people would be able to finish the ride.  Maybe it doesn't matter to me what I would do if I were normal.  All I need is to be able to live my life without constantly worrying about how it is going to affect my sleep.  I manage to get out of bed, go to work, and be a responsible adult, so I may have some form of depression, but since my episodes last a couple days, I must not be that bad.  On a similar note, I have been trying to figure out if I am having suicidal thoughts or just normal healthy thoughts about death and dying.  I don't intend to go through with any plan, but my innocent little daydreams about how I might die are taking a turn for the self-inflicted.  These would all be good things to share with my therapist . . . if only I didn't want her to think I was doing well.  I am tragically bad at therapy.  Ugh, no one who reads this needs to call me.  No doubt I've been trying to deal with this longer than you know, and if it concerns you that I might hurt myself, I won't.  I am trying to get better; I'm just really really slow at it. 

Am I normal?

I am often criticized for tying to put labels on myself, but I take some comfort in classifications because then I don't need to feel alone and disconnected.  I consider myself introverted.  I might be shy, and I am probably slightly antisocial.  I have been told it is unhealthy for a person to isolate themselves.  Or, perhaps it is a sign that a person is unhealthy that they would desire to isolate themselves.  I would never pretend that I am well, but the fear that I have is that I am not normal.
  My friends are good people, and I do enjoy their company, but I sometimes feel too tired to spend time with them.  I will drag myself out, have a fun time, and then analyze the entire evening to see if I did or said anything more stupid or embarrassing than the last time I decided to try to have some fun.  "No one even remembers you said that!"  I try to remind myself.  But, whatever foolish thing I let slip or unbecoming behavior I had haunts me.  The memories are as clear as day.  They take up that place in my brain where most people must keep their confidence.  The other thing I like to remind myself of is that doing stupid shit is a part of living.  It is funny.  I try to laugh.  I am just embarrassed, and ashamed that I am trying out for the part of the unintentional jester.

  When I am out with a group, I try to be a part of the group, and if I were to just passively exist while others laughed and carried on, I would feel far less anxiety.  If I am talking to a stranger about things that are personal to me, I will often get nervous to the point of sweating.  I tend to change the subject or make a joke to keep things from going there.  This works well to keep the nerves in check as well as keeping my number of friends to a nice manageable number.  Unfortunately, I don’t actually have anyone to talk to who doesn’t make me nervous.  I probably fear their reaction, but I know what they will say.  It is always along the lines of, “oh, I’ve been there.”  or “You’ll get through this” or even, “I would feel so ____!”  No one ever says, “You are the biggest failure I’ve met!” or whatever it is I seem to be afraid of.   

  I know people who will ask everyone their opinion before making a decision to make sure they have supporters.  It is no different telling someone something about you.  You want to know there are other people who understand what you think or feel and have the potential to think or feel the same way.  I don’t do this.  I don’t even tell my therapist most of the things I should.  I’m not very good at therapy.  I am trying to work on dealing with my feelings.  I am trying to work on having a more positive response to stress/anxiety/anger/sadness.  I am trying to feel normal.  Right now, I feel ashamed of what I do and how I feel, and because I will not talk about it, I suffer alone.  I will sometimes think that I am fighting things alone, and that makes me proud of myself for being so independent and strong!  Unfortunately, I will lose control, and then I just fall apart all alone.  But, for the most part, people see that I just pick myself up and go on about my day.  It is only messy for me, and I think I like it that way.  I guess I could label myself as a “private person”.