As a good human being, I have always wanted to find ways to be better. As I have grown older and life has become more complicated, I don't even know what better is. I know that looking back over the years, I am definately not better. My constant focus on making sure everyone around me is okay and that I am not overburdening my friendships has left me tired. I have always tried to be better since the first day I learned that I am a sinner, and God wants me to do better. I know what I have become is the result of human efforts to acheive what only God can, but the habits are hard to break, and the way I think of myself is almost impossible to fight. Yes, I can pray about it, but what then? I have serious anxiety about failing in even the smallest way, and it triggers some of the most embarrassing coping mechanisms.
Today, I started my spiral because I WANTED to eat a cupcake. Yeah, I didn't eat one, but the fact that it was there made me mad, and I shouldn't be mad - perfect people don't get mad, and so on. So, I ate some dark chocolate instead, but oh no, that was a slip as well. No substitutions, bad food is bad food, and hate yourself for eating that garbage. Then, the unhealthy desire to just hate myself and proceed with a full on binge starts to tickle my brain, and at the same time, I want to hit the restroom and vomit. I am fighting it now, knowing that I should just forgive myself for eating chocolate and move on. I hate myself for being a failure. I have failed in such a minor thing, but my mind makes it so large and important. I can't seem to use reason to argue with it.
I know that having an eating disorder is not so rare. I know that there are a lot of emotional issues associated with it, and that I can find healthy ways to address these problems, but I am ashamed that this is even a problem. I am a grown-up not some emotional teenager with hormonal issues. But here I am, examining myself, hating myself, and hating that I hate myself. The day started well. I messed up and couldn't ride my bike to work because I lost my bike lock. I adapted my plans, and decided I could just do my swimming instead. Oh, happy day. But, I didn't really let it go. I am mad at myself for being disorganized and for losing my lock and ruining my plans. I thought I did okay, but I am trapped in this way of thinking, and even when I think I get past it, I don't. My brain feels cluttered with a mess of emotions that I don't understand and don't want to have. I wish I could push it all back down, and ignore it, but I am pretty sure that's what got me in trouble in the first place.
I hate myself today because:
-I see myself as disorganized
-I ate candy I shouldn't have
-I drank diet dr. pepper
-I didn't bike to work
-I look ugly
-I am emotionally unhealthy
-I have to sleep to much
-I don't sleep very well
-I didn't make food my husband liked
And there we are. I don't know what that tells me. Something like, I'm a crazy person, but that is just somehting I'm coming to understand about myself. I suck at being happy.
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