Irritable, Angry, Sad. . .

  Some days you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  On those days, I tend to put on a happy face in public and grumble about irrelevent things when I am alone.  I found myself angry and yelling at people who were not there while I drove my car today.  It kind of made me feel like a crazy person.  I don't express my emotions often enough, and in some ways, I think being a little crazy at times might actually help me to overcome my mental health problems. 
  Today is another day in depression.  It seems like my life is just too exhausting for me to get through.  I want to be dead.  How many of these days am I going to make it through.  I know that suicide is not the answer to my problem.  I know that I need to think and act differently to change the way I respond to problems, but the process is slow, and I feel exhausted!  I can't help wondering how if my efforts are going to pay off.  What if I fail at therapy?  What if I am as happy as I can be?  Maybe I don't even have depression, and the world really is just as gloomy as I see it.  Oh, Aldous Huxley, you could have ended your book better you insensitive bastard!  There, see, strange misplaced anger is happening.  I wish I could read.  I wish I could leave work and spend an hour on the elliptical machine reading a book about characters who fall in love and fight zombies.  I barely have the attention span to get through a magazine article these days.  I know things make me sad, but I can't pin down why these past couple weeks have been so bad.  I feel desperate- I can feel it in my throat and my chest.  It feels like I can't quite catch my breath.  I am trapped, pacing in some imaginary cage, but I don't know who put me here.  In some ways, I have had more anxiety about my treatment than I actually have in my life, and I wonder if being in therapy is somehow triggering the depressive episodes more frequently.  That seems like a step in the wrong direction, but they say therapy is the way to go with these things.  But, I am the worst patient a therapist could ask for.  I want to get better, honestly.  I am just so afraid to talk about things, and that causes me to kind of shut down and be on my best behavior during my sessions.