Fighting to be Positive

  This week at therapy, I learned that I can avoid my negative spiral of self-hating, angry, negative thoughts by taking the time to focus on positive feelings.  Of course, this is against human nature.  We are programmed to learn from the negative and focus on it so as not to repeat a certain course of action.  But, this has lead me into a darkness I cannot benefit from.  So, I have been tasked with finding something positive to focus on every day.  It is easier when I am doing something outside.  I can look at plants and think how pretty they are.  I even bought myself a plant for my cubicle to keep a bit of green in the sea of grey.  I tried to let the negative feelings exist without leading into a downward spiral of self-hating thoughts, and so far I am ok, but it feels very unnatural to tell myself that it is okay to make mistakes or to forget things.  I did many embarrassing and silly things this week, and while it was important to acknowledge that the mistakes made me frustrated or angry, I tried to avoid telling myself I was stupid or useless because of it.  I just said, "I must be tired" instead.  I think that was probably truer than the "useless" or "stupid" comments anyway. 
  Another focus I am supposed to have is making sure I am tending to my wants and needs.  A lot of my energy is spent exercising, working, cleaning, cooking, and making sure my obligations are being met.  I feel guilty about doing anything that could be perceived as "selfish".  But, not taking care of myself will only cause me to fall apart.  I went to the hair salon, and spent 2 hours having someone else take care of me.  I generally don't care for hair salons because there are awkward conversations and lectures about how I don't take care of my hair.  But I let them go this time, and I let myself enjoy the process.  I was very happy with the cut and color.  It made me feel pretty for the first time in a long time.  I don't have to think about how my roots are showing, and how many of them are grey.  Also, a little layering goes a long way in making my hair less flat and boring.
  One of the other things that seemed to work well was when I encountered an obstacle that kept me from completing my prioritized task, I would focus on accomplishing another rather than dwelling on the failure of the first.  That helped keep me from feeling like a failure, so I would face my next challenge with a positive attitude (which makes anything feel easier).