My shoulder angel

  Everyone encounters moments where they can feel the conflict within themselves to do the right thing or the wrong thing.  In some cases, I find myself arguing the point of either side, making sure that either choice seems like it is morally okay.  There is more grey in this world than black and white, and we can color most things to fit with a desired outcome.  I like to imagine the best choice is provided by my white-robed, halo-having, terribly cliche shoulder angel.  If I can just figure out which one she is telling me to do, then I will be able to feel proud of my choice. 
  My shoulder angel is not just there for external choices though, and this is where I have recently discovered that I have been dismissing my shoulder angel on a regular bases, and listening to the thoughts and disparaging comments of my shoulder demon.  There is a misidentification of sin, and a misunderstanding of God which I have based my spiritual life on, and it has lead me into a darkness which will require strength I do not currently possess to escape.
  I listen to the demon telling me, "No one cares. . . There isn't any point to this. . . You can't because you aren't smart enough. . . You are a failure. . . Look what you did to yourself. . . You don't deserve anything you have. . . That is a selfish thing to do. . . Don't say that, it is arrogant. . . Don't be proud. . . You shouldn't even try, you will just disappoint yourself. . . Another mistake, why am I not surprised?. . . You can't get ANYTHING done. . .You neglect everyone, why would they love you?. . . I wish you were dead. . . Why haven't you killed yourself yet?. . . You should be embarrassed, no one else is as stupid as you are. . . You forgot because you can't stay organized, how do you expect to ever be a good mother? . . ."  And they just keep streaming in, poisonous, but they disguise themselves as humility at first, and I have gotten so used to believing them, I don't even let the shoulder angel speak anymore.  I just hush her with a quick, "That's arrogant. . . I should be meek. . . We are all sinners, what does it matter if Idid it right this time".  And then she goes.   She doesn't have any fight left after all these years of me rejecting every thought she has.  And I brush her aside in the name of the God she serves, how unkind!
  My soul lives in the darkness, so how can I expect anything I do in the name of God to reach my soul and give me any sense of the light.  As important as loving my enemy, the often neglected, obvious need of every human soul is the love of self.  Of course there is the fear that this will turn into selfishness or pride, but perhaps selfishness and pride are actually effects of self-hatred?  We may externally compensate for our internal lack of confidence and become the thing we hoped to avoid.  With this hope, I begin my journey to heal my soul, and dismiss the negative thoughts of my shoulder demon, and embrace the nurturing of the God I have been unintentionally dismissing.