So Fat . . .

I can feel the weight on me.  I wasn't able to exercise much this weekend, and I can feel the fat staying on my body, hanging over my jeans, and making my pants too tight around my thighs.  I made myself throw up this weekend because I had no way to workout and ate too much food.  I am trying to get back to the beginning, figure out where this came from.  I have been developing this eating disorder for years, and I know I am not nearly as bad as I could be, but I am bad enough to want to get out before I do any permanent damage.  I am too fat.  I am out of control.  I can't understand why I binge.  I can't understand why it takes hold of me the way it does.  I feel like I am in a blind eating frenzy, hoping to cure some emptiness inside me that has nothing to do with hunger.  What is it?  Where does it come from?  If I just rewind time, would I be able to stop it before it ever got this far?

My latest issue has been feelings of failure.  I have a list of things I expect myself to accomplish, and I do not allow myself mercy when I fail.  I hate myself for being lazy or stupid or a poor planner.  And, as much as I try to talk myself out of these negative thoughts, I am not very convincing, and the battered down fat girl inside of me, treats herself to the pantry for a binge.  I had a big disappointment with not getting to do my 100/10 brick this weekend because I was sick.  Apparently, the hard-ass inside me thinks that is just my fat-girl inside me being lazy and wanting to sit on the couch all day.  The hard-ass took it out on her pretty bad, and ultimately, we all lost because fat-girl had me binging on you name it, and hard-ass put a finger down my throat.  Well, here I am, battling within myself again.  I always think I can see the end in sight, just to wind up in this place again.  I need to make peace within myself, accept both these sides of me and understand how they can each be beneficial to the balance of my well-being.  I do not take care of myself, and have tried so hard to keep in line every detail of my life, and now, I have constant fear of failure, anxiety, and depression.  All this was my own doing because I wanted to control the uncontrollable. 

I hesitate to set goals for myself because of the risk that failure may lead me into another downward spiral, but here are the thoughts I would like to try to maintain:

I will rise above this
It is a feeling, it is honest, accept it
You are tired, that is how it will be for a while
Food cannot cure your heart, stop.  What's wrong?
This is for you. 
Stand up straight
Just breathe, this is only a moment in time.